“This time has above all reminded William and me to reflect and be grateful for the simple yet important things in life, which so many of us often take for granted. Of simply loving and being loved…’
It was difficult to watch the deeply personal video released by the Prince and Princess of Wales without welling up a little. For families currently experiencing the ongoing uncertainty that accompanies a cancer diagnosis, Catherine’s words will hold a resonance that doubtless feels both familiar and relatable. Her message was filled with gratitude and hope and yet she gently acknowledges the fragility of human life and the challenges that lie ahead as she enters remission. I hope that Catherine and her family will receive the time and space necessary to enable them to heal and adjust to a new and very different reality.
Life is extraordinarily unpredictable and there is so little of which we can be certain. As parents, we are biologically and emotionally programmed to do all within our power to protect our children from life’s vicissitudes. We shield our children from upsetting news and fret about how they might react to the passing of a loved one or the demise of a relationship. As our children grow older we tend to worry about how they will cope with the pressure of public examinations or the influence of their peers and yet the desire to protect has to be balanced with the need to help support them in their journey towards adulthood.
We should not seek to burden our children with existential angst for this can cause feelings of loneliness, isolation and impending doom. However, children do experience loss in their lives and much which happens will strike them as arbitrary and cruel. For example, the loss of a much-loved grandparent is of monumental significance and it can be very difficult to understand or explain why we must be separated from those whom we love and from those who love us. Of course, it is not always helpful to live every day as if it might well be your last.
In all likelihood, the world will not end tomorrow and we have a duty to ensure that our children will be able to flourish both personally and professionally. This does not mean that we need to indulge in scaremongering. It does not mean that we need to constantly remind them that the potential for a bad thing to happen is omnipresent. It does not mean that we should give way to gloomy cynicism or dispense with imperfect belief systems that attempt to give life meaning. However, it does mean that we should encourage our children to recognise moments of real happiness, joy and pleasure. It does mean that we should encourage our children to live in the moment. Experiencing life is as important as pontificating about its meaning. Losing oneself in a joyous moment does not mean that one is oblivious to the mists of sadness or fog of uncertainty that tend to linger in the hinterland of even the most cheery of optimists. However, there is a virtue in recognising that life is a very precious gift and one to be enjoyed with humility rather than taken for granted with casual complacency. Understanding that nothing is for forever can be both daunting and comforting.
Above all else, all young people deserve the certainty of knowing that they are loved. This does not mean turning a blind eye to disappointing behaviour or deluding ourselves that our sons and daughters are morally perfect and intellectually superior to their peers. Ask anyone who has worked in education for twenty years or more and they will share with you plenty of anecdotes about parents who have lived vicariously through their children or have demonstrated a bewildering lack of awareness when discussing their child’s abilities. It is important to demonstrate a growth mindset but a touch of realism and humility should temper our more extravagant ambitions.
Are our expectations realistic?
The greatest gift we can give our children is the knowledge that they are loved and that they are worth loving. If our children feel insecure in this regard then it is likely that they will struggle to confidently assert themselves in the relationships that they will choose to have in the future. Demonstrating love does not always mean saying ‘yes’ or shying away from tough home truths. In our house there is plenty of grumbling about music practice, lost socks and the state of bedroom floors. Life is often messy and a little chaotic as we struggle to juggle work and home life. Demonstrating love might involve saying ‘no’ or challenging our children to work a little harder or think a little more deeply. However, our children should always have the comfort of knowing that our frustrations are fleeting and that, in our eyes, they will always amount to much more than the sum of their mistakes.
I do not profess any special wisdom when it comes to parenthood. I am probably my toughest critic in this regard and there are many times when I conclude that I could have handled a situation better. Nevertheless, I am enormously grateful that we live in a more demonstrative age and that, for the most part, children growing up now benefit from the reassurance that was perhaps lacking from many households in the past. The conversations that families and schools are having with young people today feel much more honest and personable.
As Catherine continues to recover from her gruelling bout of chemotherapy, we should thank her for sharing a perspective that feels intimate on account of its authenticity. Of course, it represents a tonal shift from the regal distance and pomp and circumstance of the Second Elizabethan Age. What has emerged from this moment of familial crisis, is a fragility, tenderness and warmth which is utterly relatable.
If we want our children to grow up to be confident optimists who embrace all that is beautiful in life then we must recognise that this cannot be achieved by ignoring all that is sad or unsettling. An ability to live with hope in an uncertain world is precious indeed.
We all need the security of knowing that we are loved!
Jeremy Quartermain
Headmaster of Rossall School