It Is Easier To Build Strong Children Than To Repair Broken Men
Stephen Graham’s searing Netflix drama Adolescence has, quite deservedly, garnered rave reviews. It is by no means an easy watch. At its centre lies an act of unspeakable violence committed by a thirteen-year-old boy who has become both radicalised and lost in an online vortex of misogyny, pornography and violence. It is a gut-wrenching and unflinching portrayal of every parent’s worst nightmare. It grapples with the question of what we teach boys - both at home and at school. It would be easy to imagine that the sort of toxic masculinity espoused by ‘influencers’ such as Andrew Tate has little impact when measured alongside the positive impact of growing up in a loving family home. Similarly, it is easy to imagine that the world of incels is populated by those who are marginalised, socially awkward, entitled, and only feel emboldened when lurking behind a computer screen in some miserable bedroom. By contrast, Jamie, the central character in this drama, is both cocky and confident.
In the final self-lacerating episode, Jamie’s parents reflect upon what they might have done differently and what might have been. They acknowledge the fact that Jamie would disappear to his bedroom with barely so much as a grunt of acknowledgement. He would often remain online until the early hours. Of course, such insight does not redeem the unforgiving seconds of extreme violence perpetrated by their enraged son.
The American psychologist Jonathan Haidt, author of ‘The Anxious Generation’, makes the point that parents have become increasingly risk-averse since the 1980s. If children are allowed out on their own at all then it is very often with the proviso that they have a tracker on their phone. As parents, we tend to worry that every stranger or every situation is a potential threat. We let our minds wander to dark places and our decision-making is often driven by our anxieties as opposed to a logical computation of risk. However, when it comes to the Internet, many parents unwittingly provide unfettered access and are seemingly oblivious to the fact that, statistically, their children are more likely to come to serious harm as a result of their online activities as opposed to their ‘real life’ activities. Of course, this is not to suggest that all but one in a million children will become radicalised to such an extent that they demonstrate murderous tendencies like young Jamie. However, teenagers are very obviously at risk of experiencing online exploitation, grooming and abuse. They are susceptible to being trolled or ostracised. They are at risk of becoming addicted to endlessly and pointlessly scrolling through mind-numbing video content. They are at risk of having their nascent views of what constitutes a ‘normal’ loving relationship distorted by viewing violent and degrading pornography. Similarly, it is not unreasonable to presume that some cases of gender dysmorphia are, in part, fueled by viewing images of supposed perfection on Instagram and similar social media platforms.
It is unfathomable that parents who exercise caution in the ‘real’ world are prepared to be so ‘hands-off’ in a world that is unknowable, unpoliced and comes with almost no controls. It is like dropping your child in the midst of a jungle, asking them to make their own way home, and hoping for the best. Viewed objectively, it is, of course, bonkers. Some social commentators and educationalists cling to the belief that there is no causational link between the use of smartphones and the current teenage mental health crisis. Of course, there are other factors, but Haidt points to the fact that the start of the exponential rise in cases predates this and coincides with the introduction of the front-facing camera and the age of the selfie. It would be wrong to dismiss the influence of the pandemic and there is now a willingness to talk about mental health problems with a candour that was lacking in previous times. Of course, it is entirely healthy that young people now feel much more confident talking about their mental health. A sharp rise in reported cases is surely attributable, in part, to a culture of greater openness and an entirely healthy focus on wellbeing.
Nevertheless, this was a week in which Wes Streeting lamented the strain placed on public finances by what he considers to be an ‘overdiagnosis’ of mental health issues. He contends that this detracts resources from the very people who need our support the most. I do not agree with much that the Secretary of State for Education, Bridget Philippson, has to say but her assertion that ‘all schools should prohibit the use of smartphones throughout the school day - not only during lessons but break and lunchtimes as well’ seems entirely sensible.
Two days ago, Sir Gareth Southgate, delivered the BBC’s Richard Dimbleby Lecture and he chose to tackle the perceived crisis of modern masculinity. He contended that boys are being failed by modern society and not just on account of absent fathers who are unable to serve as effective role models. He suggests that online culture does not tend to acknowledge failure or vulnerability but introduces boys to toxic and hollow versions of masculinity that favour money, status and appearance over kindness, compassion and resilience.
At Rossall, we do not pretend to have all of the answers and we recognise the challenges and complexities of bringing up children in the digital age. Personally, I am convinced that full immersion in the busy life of a school community like ours provides the most effective safeguard against poor mental health. Being part of a sports team, choir or performing arts cast provides a sense of belonging and social connections that are authentic. There is an undeniable correlation between positive well-being and a willingness to be a participatory member of a community. Lives which are full of challenge, excitement and moments of accomplishment are lives that are well-lived. Those who choose to live their lives mainly through the screen of a smartphone are living a vicarious existence where introspection rather than action is the order of the day. In such a world, nothing is ever enough.
Iben Sandah is a Danish psychologist who has spent a good deal of time trying to understand why the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) has voted Denmark the happiest country in the world almost every year since 1973. Her book, ‘The Danish Way of Raising Teens’ is far from a smug polemic. Instead, it provides really useful advice which can be summarised as follows:
Trust your children
Value spending time together and maintain a close and meaningful relationship with your teen.
Empathise with your children and be open with them.
Recognise that the desire for greater independence will inevitably involve some degree of spontaneity and constitutes an important phase of ‘free play’.
Teach them to listen properly and to read. It’s reading books that provide historical perspectives and cultural dimensions.
Make sure they feel heard.
Embrace their uniqueness
Talk openly and honestly about feelings and boundaries.
Do not give ultimatums. ‘Stay calm when storms are raging - see beneath the surface and understand why teens behave as they do’.
Try to look at flashpoints differently.
Wow! Danish parents must be very patient. Of course, each of these ten pieces of guidance is worthy of a blog in itself and the intention of this particular blog is to do nothing more than highlight some of the issues that we are grappling with as parents and educators. We listen to our children and to our parents and we recognise that there are many competing perspectives.
The debates currently being played out in public find resonance in our conversations in school. It would be rash to pretend that we have all the answers. ‘Building strong children’ requires a joined-up approach between home and school and the cultivation of an environment within which young people feel a sense of authentic belonging. Boys need to know that it is fine to be vulnerable and they need to be encouraged to be emotionally honest. As Gareth Southgate highlights, we grow through our response to disappointment and failure. Finally, our children are fortunate insomuch as they are members of a school community that really does value kindness, compassion and empathy. They have countless opportunities to engage with the sort of enriching opportunities that enable them to develop into confident young adults.
